


A Breath of Hope

by Ggeri_Sminth



Category: Star Trek
Genre: Can't stand the new one, Crying, Depression, Don’t copy to another site, Eating Disorders, Emotional Hurt, Emotional Hurt/Comfort, Emotional Manipulation, Emotionally Confused Spock, F/M, Homophobia, Hurt/Comfort, I love the old Nyota, Intersex, Intersex Vulcan, M/M, Miscommunication, Nyota Uhura Bashing, Spock/Nyota Uhura Break Up
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-01-16
Updated: 2019-01-16
Packaged: 2019-10-11 09:31:39
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 7,062
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/17444321
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Ggeri_Sminth/pseuds/Ggeri_Sminth
Summary: Spock is struggling, with life with love with everything. Nothing has that real brightness that it use to and he can't really blame Uhura, but he sure wishes that he could. Really it wasn't her fault that he couldn't give her what she wanted, and if he couldn't give her. A person that is so understanding, how could he give anyone else what they wanted? Maybe he is just a waste of space.





	A Breath of Hope

**Author's Note:**

> So I have been gnawing at this for quite some time and thought that I would finally finish it and get it out there. I suppose it isn't quite like some of my other works. Kinda makes me feel like I'm in an odd place. I usually write from some kind of experience or something that speaks to me, and this isn't any different. I do struggle with depression, and it has made its way into many of my works because I can see where the character is coming from. That being said, this isn't all sad. So without further ado, please enjoy.

Bones’ has always been very observative, he tends to pick up on the little details in life. That was what made him a wonderful doctor and a great surgeon, the ability to see beyond what is placed right in front of him. So, it didn’t come to a surprise that he was the only one to notice that something was very, very off with Spock. He wasn’t acting like he normally would; it was as if something was holding him back. Something in his mind had shifted. If Bones didn’t know better, he would say that Spock was depressed. He wasn’t eating as much, he didn’t seem to have the normal interest that he usually did in the things that made him happy.

It started out with little things, Spock stopped communicating as much, no too much just a little at a time gradually getting worse and worse. It wasn’t all that easy to notice at first. Then next thing that seemed to go was Spock’s argumentative self; he just didn’t seem to be as interested in it anymore. Spock would concede to Bones’ point of view even if he didn’t actually see eye to eye on the topic. It only got worse, Spock even stopped taking the bate, no longer wanting to argue. It could have been seen that Spock was just warming up to Bones, but Bones knows better. He knows that Spock is slowly losing himself and Bones must figure out why. He even started to slip when playing chess with Jim, so when Jim started to notice Bones knew for a fact that he had to do something and quick.

The one thing though that Bones couldn’t seem to put together was the fact that Spock seemed to be spending more and more time in the Medical Bay. It wasn’t an issue, of course, he was still doing his job and he wasn’t bothering anyone. But it was odd, to see the static man drop himself into Bones’ territory when he would usually avoid it at all costs. Of course, when anyone in the Medical bay would bring it up Spock would make up some sort of excuse and then he would run out of Medical. Almost like a puppy caught doing something bad, Bones found it somewhat endearing.

After what seemed like months of Spock moping around it all came to a head, one day Spock was doing fine or well as best as he could be and then the next it was all turned on his head. It had been common knowledge that Spock and Uhura were a couple. They had even been seen kissing in the Vulcan once or twice. Though now that Bones thought about it, he hadn’t seen that in a while, and it all started to make sense. Especially when news spread of Uhura and Scotty being caught in a lip lock. At first, the rumors had been that Uhura was cheating on Spock, that of course, had made Scotty look like a bad guy. The poor man was getting death glares left and right.

Uhura was quick to put that rumor to bed, it was in fact not true. Uhura and Spock were no longer in a relationship. When the news of their breakup spread around the ship, gossip started to start up. Everyone wondered why they weren’t together anymore. After all, they seemed like they were a power couple, and that nothing could stop them. Of course, it was almost obvious that Spock had been the reason for their separation. Many speculated that he just couldn’t provide Uhura properly sexually. Uhura never did stop that rumor, which only leads for it be true.

Everywhere Spock would go there would be whispers behind his back. He couldn’t do anything without the knowledge that the people around him were judging him for the separation that he and Uhura had. Blaming him for her leaving him, he obviously couldn’t provide for her needs, whether it be emotional or sexual. Spock couldn’t stand it and after a while, he just stopped being seen in public beside his shift. He even stopped coming to Medical. Bones’ mothering side began to itch under his skin the more time went on. He was positive that Spock was depressed, his mind and body were no longer healing as they should.

Of course, Spock was a tricky little Vulcan as well as very smart, since its little disappearing act he had programmed the computer to not allow anyone but the Captain to locate him. That didn’t deter Bones though. He would walk the whole sip if he had to if only to find the foolish little Vulcan. He couldn’t allow what was going on happen any longer. It was starting to cause issues, and Bones’ knows from experience that the only way to move on to help with the healing is to let it out.

That doesn’t mean that Spock needs to cry or even talk to someone, but he needs to do something to get it out of him. Bones doesn’t even care what it is that he decides to do if it’s talking to a counselor on the ship or just writing what he is feeling down. Bones knows that Spock will struggle with it all the way, but Bones is going to be there for him and encourage him the whole time and so will Jim. Spock only needs to let them in and allow them to help him to heal and move forward. Of course, in hindsight Bones should have realized why Spock had withdrawn the way that he did. The inability to speak his mind anymore. Something had happened between Spock and Uhura that had left Spock feeling that he wasn’t good enough that he needed to change the way that he is to make others happy.

It didn’t make Bones happy at all instead it aggerated him, he liked it when Spock would argue with him. It was more an of debate, that could get a little heated on his side, but he wouldn’t want it to change at all. There must have been a huge argument before they ended or a huge argument that ended their relationship that made Spock pull back. He wanted to keep what relationships that he had Bones noted, and in doing that he seemed to isolate himself further, something that he didn’t want to do. That Bones knows Spock probably didn’t even meant to do or even realized that he did.

All of this led Bones to where he was now, walking along an empty corridor on his way to Spock’s living quarters. He knows that there are only two places that Spock will go the observatory deck or his own room, and Bones has already checked the observatory deck. That only left his living quarters and Bones was determined to make sure that Spock knew that he wasn’t alone in this. That there are people out there that love him and will do anything to protect him. Even concede in an argument just so Spock will come back to himself. When he finally arrived Bones methodically put in his medical code knowing that Spock wasn’t going to be happy with him waltzing into his quarters without invitation, but Bones had had enough. This was a medical emergency and he would define it as one to anyone that might say otherwise, Spock included.

The door slid open with ease and it isn’t all that of a surprise, he is sure that Spock’s isn’t expecting company. Nor does he think that Spock realizes anyone would even come looking for him, and yet somewhere in the back of his mind he must have thought about it a little as he did change the code in the computer to make it, so no one could locate him. Bones is quick to step in and once the door closes, he allows his eyes to adjust to the darkness around him. He isn’t surprised at all, the darkness will hide everything, nothing to be seen.

Finally, his eyes come across a slumped form in a corner, not even on the bed. Bones can’t help but let out a soft little sigh. The noise alerts Spock of another presence and he stiffens as he sits up. Bones notes that even in the dark he can tell that Spock’s eyes are swollen and that he most definitely had been crying. How many nights has Spock come back to his own room and cried himself dry and then lied in bed trying to pull himself back together?

“Spock,” Bones says in a soft assurance that many people wouldn’t believe could come out of his mouth.

Spock doesn’t move for a second, he looks like a deer caught in headlights, scared and frightened, “Doctor,” he finally says at last, “this is my room.”

It’s said in a soft sort of questioning way as if he is assuring himself that yes this is his room. Bones nods his head taking a quick look around, “Correct this is your room.” It isn’t said in a condescending voice, instead of in gentle affirmative.

“Why are you here then?”

Bones smiles, “I’ve come to talk to you, can I turn on the lights or at least raise them?”

Spock seems to stiffen even more, “No. Get out.”

Bones ignores the warning in Spock’s voice, he knows that Spock won’t do anything, he is hurting, and he doesn’t want anyone to see him vulnerable, Bones understands this. So instead of pushing by forcing Spock to come to him, he decides to come to Spock. He makes his way over to him carefully and casually as not to scare him, so that he won’t bolt or try to. Bones would be able to stop him, but he isn’t sure that he wants to do that.

When Bones has finally made it all the way across the room to where Spock is, he notes that Spock looks like a child that is pouting, the man has his arms crossed and his bottom lip stuck out in a sort of endearing way. When Bones goes to touch his shoulder Spock’s shoulders drop and his head slips as well. Instead of going for Spock’s shoulder Bones makes a detour as he bends down on one knee. He slips his fingers under Spock’s chin and raises the man’s head. Spock looks at him with a mixture of defiance and pain. Bones can see the glossing of unshed tears. This is what Bones had interrupted, and Bones knows it all too well. The evidence is right in front of him.

Bones presses his lips into Spock’s forehead as he whispers, “Oh Spock, I’m sorry, I am so sorry.”

Spock doesn’t understand of course, why Bones would be sorry, he has in almost all accounts done nothing wrong. Instead, Spock feels himself tensing up and then whimpering, the comfort that is coming from Bones is nothing like he had felt before and it feels so good yet is hurts because Spock knows that it will stop soon. Bones can’t want to comfort him, that isn’t how their relationship works. Bones doesn’t say anything more as he releases Spock’s chin and sits down with his back against the others bed. Once he is more comfortable Bones pulls Spock towards him.

Spock has given no resistance and allows himself to be pulled into Bones’ lap. He can’t help but let his head drop onto Bones’ shoulder. For a while, they just sit there the only noise in the room is their breathing. Bones draws his fingers through Spock’s hair scratching the back of his head softly finally Spock begins to sob, it was as if he was waiting for the other shoe to drop, and Bones knows that Spock deserves better than that. The sobs coming from Spock are loud and ugly, but Bones doesn’t care he just continues to cradle his fingers through Spock's hair giving the man as much comfort as he can muster to push through to him.

Spock needs his Bones reminds himself, Spock is hurting and broken, he isn’t himself and Bones will do anything to make sure that the man he loves and cares for comes back. Spock doesn’t really understand what all is going on, he is in so much pain, it feels like his heart was shattered. He had done everything in his power to appease Uhura, to keep their relationship alive, and yet it still fell apart in front of his eyes. He isn’t even sure if Uhura stayed faithful. After a while Uhura began to become distant, she wasn’t as active in their relationship and so Spock had tried to do things to keep her there, even things that he himself wasn’t even comfortable with.

It started out with simple things, like kissing in public, he hated that. Then it went on to bigger things like Sex. Spock realized that he must be odd or broken he isn’t sure. He liked to be penetrated, he had the parts for it. That didn’t mean that he couldn’t sleep with women, he knows how it works and though he doesn’t like it as much he will do it. It still brings him pleasure, even if it would bring him more to be the one on his back. He, of course, had tried to talk to Uhura about this. She hadn’t been all that understanding, and Spock never brought it up again.

As Spock went through all that feels that he was feeling and had pent up inside of him the nasty ugly sobs drained him as he felt the wetness on Bones’ shoulder increase. He didn’t quite understand why he was crying, it didn’t seem to be very logical, and yet Bones hadn’t said a thing about it. He hadn’t commented on the fact that Spock was so upset, and that this might be him showing his more human side. Instead, he just held him through all his pains and tears, giving him love and comfort that Spock didn’t even know he needed. After a while, the Spock’s ugly sobs began to quiet down into a soft whimper. Bones continued his petting as he pressed a soft kiss into Spock’s head. His other hand rubbed up and down Spock’s back. It isn’t long before Bones begins to feel Spock drifting off to sleep. He stays until he is sure that the Vulcan is fully asleep before lifting him up and placing him in bed.

Bones bends down once more and presses a soft kiss into Spock’s forehead, “Have pleasant dreams, my love.” It’s said so quietly and Bones himself had to strain to hear what he had just spoken.

All of it though was true, he did deeply love Spock and he would do anything to protect the suborn little Vulcan. Even if that meant standing by in the sidelines as Spock went after Uhura in full gusto. Bones realizes as he leaves the sleeping Vulcan that he would need to have a talk to Uhura, there is something that she isn’t letting out, something that happened that broke Spock more than he is letting on, and Bones know it’s Uhura's doing. That doesn’t mean that he must like it any less.

So that night Bones scheduled Uhura a checkup, just long enough that he can get Uhura alone. The next day when Bones makes his way up to the bridge for his normal source of amusement, he is glad to see that Spock seems to be doing much better. He is communicating most of the bridge in his one little Spock way. Bones notes that Uhura is still getting the cold shoulder but Bones isn’t even that surprised about that at all. When Spock notices that Bones has arrived on the bridge, mostly due to Jim very loud cry. He turns his head and gives Bones a slightly bashful look, as the tinges of his cheeks turn green. Bones knows that Spock doesn’t think that anyone notices, but Bones knows that Uhura had seen the change.

Bones himself thinks it quite adorable, seeing Spock so adorably flustered just by his mere presence. Bones knows this should upset him, it means that Spock could be ashamed of what happened last night, but at the same time, it could also mean that he remembers it and is flustered because something came to forestation last night.

“Jim, I am here to get Lieutenant Uhura for her checkup.”

Jim doesn’t even seem fazed, “Alright take her away, but I want her back. Can’t have my communication officer gone for too long.”

 

Uhura doesn’t even seem happy when Bones turns towards her. He supposes that he wouldn’t be as well if he were in her shoes and yet not once in a relationship has, he ever been in her shoes. At first, they walk in silence down to Medical before Uhura can’t take the silence any longer.

“You didn’t schedule me for a checkup, did you?”

Bones hums, “Yes actually I did, do I plan to give you one, that depends on the answers you give me Lieutenant.”

Uhura huffs, “And what answers are you looking for?”

“You don’t like it that Spock is enamored with me, why I can’t figure out after all the two of you are no longer together.”

Uhura scoffs, “If you must know Doctor, I am only worried for you. Spock is different, he likes…” she takes a deep breath and lowers her voice, “penetration, like to himself.”

Bones doesn’t even raise an eyebrow, “I didn’t take you as someone who would be homophobic Uhura. I guess I was mistaken. Did you call him disgusting? That his preference in sex is wrong? Because I have news for you, my dear, you are sorely mistaken. His preference isn’t wrong, and it completely normal.”

Uhura huffs and stops moving, “That isn’t the only thing. You should know you tell him quite often that he is unfeeling. Well, it’s true. He wants to be fucked and he can’t communicate that he even loves you. So, I don’t know, why did I even stay with him as long as I did?”

Bones takes a deep breath, “You are dismissed back to the bridge Lieutenant. That will be all.”

Uhura scowls, “You’re just like him, aren’t you?”

Bones hums, “If you mean do I like cock over the vagina, then no, I like them both in equal. But I would be careful who you say that to my dear as you will soon come to find that more than one of the people you work with are quite the same.”

Bones then turns and walks away. He hears Uhura stomp back to the bridge and he doesn’t even look back to see her go. He is frustrated and upset, that something like this would be the end of a friendship, and Uhura will screw herself over with more than one person, she doesn’t even realize it. Jim and Scotty are both like him, they have a preference for both. Though he likes men more than woman and Jim is more interested in women. He isn’t sure about Scotty, it doesn’t usually come up in conversation. Then there is Sulu and Chekov both of whom are in a relationship with each other, though that really isn’t public knowledge. Then there is nurse Chapple, who has a wife off planet. There were many people on this crew that’s taste in bed partners would be considered disgusting in Uhura’s eyes.

The rest of the day goes on is a soft sort of silence, nothing remarkable happens and once his shift is over Bones finds himself heading to his quarters instead of the mess hall. He isn’t sure if he can deal with the crew at this point in time with his sex life out in the open. He is positive that the rumors will start to spread soon. He knows that there were several people that were standing around and overheard his Uhuras conversation. Bones would have rather had it in the privacy of his Medical bay, yet she hadn’t allowed that. Almost as if she wanted to run Spock’s whole life through the dirt a few more times. Bones knows that he will have to apologize to Spock with what happened. He is of fault in this whole ordeal.

Bones hasn’t even spent fifteen minutes in his room before his door chimes. He has only gotten his uniform off and in something far more comfortable, and in the middle of his pouring himself a drink. Bones shakes his head and sighs softly as he goes to the door to see who is trying to take up with valuable time. Bones is quite surprised to see Spock standing at the door.

“What can I do for you this evening Spock?”

Spock stutters and flushes ever so slightly and the state of Bones’ undress, “I would like to have dinner with you, but I could not find you in the mess hall. So, I went to retrieve you from your office, nurse Chapple said she heard you grumbling and heading towards your room.”

Bones smiles softly, “Well I was planning on dining in tonight, would you like to join me?”

Spock straightens his shoulders, “I would very much like to yes.”

Bones huffs a little laugh and steps aside, “Well then be my guest, come on in. Make yourself comfortable. Is there anything that you would like to eat?”

Spock nods his head and steps into Bone’s room making his way over to Bones’ little tables, he isn’t surprised to see that there are two chairs seated at it, “If at all possible, I would do well with some terrain root soup.”

Bones actually chuckles, “good to see you are eating your favorite soup again.”

Spock flushes at the comment but doesn’t respond instead he sits down on the side that doesn’t have a glass of scotch waiting for Bones. After a few minutes Bones returns with two bowls, he places one down in front of Spock and then takes the other to his side of the table. When Spock gives him a quizzed look at what he was eating Bones just raises his shoulders.

“What I eat things other than meat as well.”

Spock lefts his lips in a slight twitch before going back to his own soup. They eat in a soft calm silence for a little while before Spock finally breaks it. In a quiet voice, he asks, “You didn’t give Lieutenant Uhura a checkup, did you?”

Bones looks up from his soup before taking a sip of his scotch, “No I didn’t.”

“You wanted to speak to her… about her relationship with me.”

Bones nods his head, “that I did, it seemed important to find out some more of the details and I wasn’t going to push you for them. You are already upset it wouldn’t do any good for me to upset you even more by bringing up old memories.”

Spock nods his head slightly, “Did she give you the answers that you were seeking?”

Bones let out a dry chuckle, “Oh more or less. And let me tell you, you are not at fault for what happened with your relationship. It was disgusting really.”

Spock flinches back at Bones’ words his hands shake ever so slightly. Bones watches him for a minute confirming what he was sure he knew but needed to check before continuing on, “Not you Spock. You aren’t disgusting. There is nothing wrong with you. She is the one that is suggesting. The way that she treated you and how she took what you felt and turned it around to benefit her.”

Spock’s eyes snapped up and his cheeks flushed ever so slightly, “There is talk around the ship that you like both males and females.”

Bones huffed, “Knew that was going to happen. She just couldn’t wait till we were back in Medical could she…” Bones sighs, “Yes Spock I like both, does that bother you?”

Spock shakes his head no before opening his mouth to ask another question before shutting it. Bones watches him with a soft smile, “there is something else that you want to know, go ahead.”

Spock flushes slightly, “It is quite a personal question Doctor.”

Bones hums, “Well my sex life is already starting to filter around the ship I think whatever you want to know isn’t going to kill me, and Spock we are off duty you can call me Leonard, yes?”

Spock frowns ever so slightly, “By what do you mean your sex life is filtering around?”

Bones chuckles, “I see you avoiding the question that you want to be answered, there is going to be speculation with who I have slept with I know that most prominent person is going to be Jim and before you ask, no we haven’t slept together. That would be like sleeping with my brother.”

“What do you prefer, to” Spock flushes and stumbles over the words, “penetrate or be…”

Bones raises an eyes brow that was quite a personal question, but he wasn’t surprised, Spock believed that there was something wrong with him, “I have a personal preference for topping, but I’ve bottomed before as well. Does that bother you, Spock, that I have and liked both?”

Spock flushes even darker, “No, I just… Is everyone like you?”

Bones chuckles, “No Spock not everyone is like me. Take for instance Jim, and don’t you go telling him I told you this. When he is with a man he likes to bottom. But with women, he is obviously a top. It just depends on the person. Do you think any less of Jim knowing that he likes to bottom with men?”

Spock is quick to answer, “No of course, not.”

Bones nods his head in understanding before taking another sip of his scotch the next moments are going to be difficult for both of them and he isn’t sure what will become of their friendship once it is all said and done. “Then Spock, why is it that you feel that you are disgusting, that your preference is bad or gross?”

Spock doesn’t move for a bit he just sits there and stares blankly at the wall his eyes blink every few minutes and Bones can’t tell if Spock is trying to figure out what to say or if he is trying to control what little control he has over his emotions.

Finally, he speaks up, “I do not understand Doctor.”

Bones sighs at the formal tone stand from his seat and grab the bottle of scotch. He had a feeling that this would happen. That something like this would come up, Spock is reverting, going back into his shell. Bones could yell at him tell him that he very well knows what he means. Or he could try to explain, or he could tell Spock that he must be mistaken and not worry about it. He isn’t sure what he is going to do at all he needs to think. Finally, after Spock eyes boring holes into the back of his head, he sits back down drink in hand.

“Okay well that was I bit rude of me. I am only asking because you see Uhura told me something, something that I am sure you would have very much liked to keep secret. The thing is I think that you find you want to ‘bottom’ disgusting. Something that brings you pleasure but you don’t understand why. Please correct me if I am wrong.”

“I see… Uhura didn’t tell you everything.” The way it’s said Bones knows there is more to this story.

“She didn’t tell me everything because you didn’t tell her everything or because she wants to have something to hold over your head?”

Spock stiffens, and Bones knows that he hit the nail on the head. “I have not told her everything. It is personal I wish not to discuss it with you or anyone else.”

The words sound bitter and Bones knows from that tone Spock is hiding something big and he fears being turned away. Bones tries to rack his mind to figure it out before it pops into his head. He laughs softly at the thought of it all, how little did Spock know of his own culture.

“Spock, that part of you is very natural. Every male Vulcan is born that way.”

Spock raises an eyebrow as if asking Bones to explain, to tell him how on earth he would even know this, and then on top of that all how he could even know what Spock could be talking about.

“Okay, when I was much, much younger. I was sixteen, I have a Vulcan friend he and his mother were living in George because his father was on a diplomatic mission. We got very, very close that summer he was there. I learned a lot of about his Vulcan biology. Let’s just say that I was a little surprised when he dropped his pants and had both sets of reproductive organs.”

Bones smiled a little at the memory, “Freaked me out a little bit, but he explained that a long time ago a lot of the female Vulcans had died off so the male Vulcans adapted and their body’s evolved to have both reproductive organs so that if there weren’t enough females then they could copulate together and produce a child. It went both ways. Over the years it didn’t go away, and thought it’s probably not used as often anymore they are both still very functional. I know you don’t want to talk about it, and You don’t have to. Just know that you aren’t odd or wrong in any way, it's natural and whoever created your kind did it to make sure you won’t die out.”

Spock blinks a couple of times before standing, “Thank you, Doctor, dinner was lovely and the information that you provided me with was useful. Thank you.”

Bones let out a little sigh, “You are welcome. I am sure you can see yourself out.”

Bones doesn’t even watch Spock leave he just stands and takes the bowls to the kitchen so that he can clean them. He understood that Spock didn’t want to talk about that part of him, it is very personal, but he needed to Spock to know that he wasn’t wrong or an abomination. That it was completely natural, and he shouldn’t feel the need to hide away from others or himself. Bones didn’t really expect Spock to be very happy that Bones had figured out what was really bothering him. But Bones wasn’t very observant for nothing. Spock himself was surprised that Bones knew what he was unwilling to speak of, but even more confused by the cold shoulder that Bones seemed to give him at the end of their night.

He had needed to meditate, to absorb the information that Bones had given to him. He hadn’t known that he was completely healthy in that regard, he had always thought that there was something wrong with him. Bones had reassured him that he was, in fact, fine and nothing monstrous, so why had he turned away when Spock decided to call it a night. He was truly grateful for the knowledge, he couldn’t just outright ask for it and Bones shouldn’t have known it, so having him there to tell him was like a breath of fresh air. To not have to explain himself to not have to word how uncomfortable it all makes him.

Yet Spock is still confused and hurt, he had thought that Bones cared about him. Maybe he did, maybe it was something that Spock did. He needed answers help, but first, he needed to think on all that he was just told. Spock makes his way back to his own quarters silently much on his mind. Once there he can’t help but meditate to clear all the thought that is running around in his head. It does him quite a bit of good. That night when he goes to bed Spock has a clearer head, something that had been alluding him for quite some time. He is still in a state of sadness and confusion, but many things puzzle pieces begin to take form.

Spock and Bones’ next couple of weeks go by in a blur, Bones isn’t cold towards Spock, but he isn’t exactly warm either. Their relationship had suffered in some way and Spock wasn’t sure how to fix it, so almost a month later Spock found himself trying to get advice from Jim. He didn’t really want to talk about what all was going on. He just needed to know how to get back into Bones’ good graces once more. The rumors around the ship had died down, so there wasn’t so much of that. Of course, there were still whispers about him and he still heard things about Bones but nothing like it had been.

“Jim,” Spock says calmly over a game of chess, “I have seemed to upset Doctor McCoy.”

Jim chuckled, “I’m surprised it took you this long to realize.”

Spock curled his lip in annoyance, “I have realized for some time now, I do not know how to make it better though. I don’t even know what I did to upset him…”

Jim looks up and frowns softly, “Just go talk to him Spock, tell him you don’t know what you did. Tell him you are sorry, that if he tells you what is wrong you will do everything in his power to fix it. He didn’t really tell me what happened, all I know is that you were talking about something personal.”

Spock nods his head slightly, “Yes, about bed partner I suppose…”

Jim laughed softly, “did you tell him that you wanted him to fuck you?”

Spock sputter and flushes, “No, I did no such thing.”

Jim just smiles softly, “Whatever you did, he is going to forgive you. He can’t stay mad at you forever, trust me I have done many of things to anger the man. He sticks to you like glue. He’ll come around, if you want it faster, I would suggest talking to him.”

Spock nods his head, “Jim, if I may, I would like to pick this game up later.”

Jim chuckled softly, “Go ahead, go talk to Bones.”

Spock nods his head in thanks before seeing himself out. It’s a bit of a walk from Jim’s quarters to Bones’ but he doesn’t mind. It gives him time to think. When he finally does reach it, Spock wonders if Bones is even going to be awake and if this was such a good idea. Before he can chicken out Spock chimes the door and waits. A few seconds later Bones appears at the door, he looks to have bed head and Spock is sure that he has interrupted the man’s sleep by the looks of things.

Bones’ chest is very much bare, and he is wearing low hanging sweats, they slip down off his hips showing the v of his abdomen. Spock’s face flushes and he can’t help but let his eyes travel down south, in wonder of what could be underneath. Bones makes a soft coughing noise and Spock’s eye snap back up the flush on his cheeks darkening.

“What can I do for Ya Spock?”

Spock takes a deep breath, “I came to speak to you, I did not mean to awaken you from your sleep. I can come back tomorrow.”

Bones let out a dry laugh, “You are already here, and I am already awake. Come on in, let me get my shirt and then we can talk.”

Spock does as he is told and enters the room. Bones turns the light up just enough before heading back to his bedroom and snatching up a shirt. While he is doing this Spock makes himself at home on Bones’ couch. He is surprised by how roomy Bones’ living quarters are. Not as big as Jim or even his, but still quite roomy, and of course, very close to Medical. Spock believes it’s due to there being a need for him in case there is an emergency.

Finally, Bones comes back out of his room. He sits down on the sitting chair looking expectantly at Spock. Now that he was there though Spock wasn’t all that sure what to do so he did the first thing that came to mind, “Are you still upset with me?”

The words come out in a rush and a slight jumble like he is a teenager and scared of what his parents are going to say. Bones just looks at him before huffing, “You came all the way here to find out if I am still mad at you… well at this very moment I am annoyed with you. Very, very annoyed.”

Spock turned his head down bashfully, “I meant with what happened… when you… when you talked to me about what was going on with my body.”

Bones raised an eyes brow before dropping his head back, “It’s fine Spock I knew it was going to happen I pushed, and you didn’t like it.”

Spock closed his eyes for a second, “But… I did… you were able to help you gave me information that I didn’t even know about… I thought I was the only one. No one ever talks about… about their bodies, I feared even asking my father.”

Bones blinks, “Spock you pretty much dismissed yourself in the most hurtful of ways. You know that we are friends and I don’t think I have ever heard you say my first name. My last name plenty of times, but we weren’t on duty.”

Spock blinks and then blinks again, “I… I didn’t realize that I had hurt you by calling you Doctor using your title instead of Leonard…”

Bones smiles softly, “I know that now, I should have made that clearer, I thought I was by telling you to call me by my first name. It hurt when you couldn’t even do that when you could do it so easily with Jim.” 

Spock frowned and turned his head down, this had been one of the things that Uhura had been angry about. His inability to pick up on social cues. Like this one, he should have realized that Bones was trying to get him to say one thing and he did the opposite. He did see Bones as a friend and maybe as something a little more if he gave himself some time to hope, but if he isn’t careful, he will lose this friend as well.

Bones stands and places his hand on Spock’s shoulder, “Spock I was just upset; I would never stop being your friend.”

Spock blinks as Bones brushes his thumb across his cheek swiping up the tears that have started to fall. Spock shutters at the feeling and pulls back unsure what to do. He is never quite certain what he should do when things like this happen. He has been having more emotional elapses ever since Uhura had left him with his heart shattered, and they seemed to be happening more and more around Bones. He didn’t know what that meant, but Spock did know is that he didn’t want Bones to leave. To stop being there for him. He wanted the comfort that Bones seemed to promise in every touch and every stolen smile. Was it wrong to want something like that for himself?

Spock cleared his throat unsure what all to do before looking down at his hands, “I am not sure what to do from here.”

Bones hums, “Well why don’t you explain it to me, tell me what you are thinking about Spock.”

Spock stills ever so slightly, “I do not want to hurt the thin wire of a friendship that we have. I am afraid that I will snap it, I do not want to do with Leonard.”

Bones smiles softly, “Why would you do that?”

“You must not think any less of me. I find comfort in your actions and when you smile at me. I would like to continue to receive that comfort.”

Bones stills before letting out a soft breath, “oh.”

Spock bites his lip slightly in a very un-Vulcan way before opening his mouth to talk everything that he said back before Bones beats him too it, “Like you want the comfort of a friendship or you want something different, more?”

Spock nods his head, “Yes. I understand that It might seem that I am jumping from one to another, but I would like to try. If… if you want this as well.”

Bones laughs softly, “firstly you are not jumping from relationship to relationship. Secondly, you have no idea how much I have been waiting for you to say something to that effect. So yes, I do want this. I want this and so much more, but” Bones empathies the word fully before continuing on, “I have waited this long I will continue to wait until you are ready.”

Spock couldn’t believe his ears, the fact that he was so loved and cared for has never even crossed his mind. So, when he left that night to allow Bones the much-needed sleep, he couldn’t help the little pep in his step or the soft smile that was starting to break out across his face. Spock wasn’t sure when he was last this happy, having a feeling or warmth living and growing inside of him again. He, of course, could still feel the darkness, but Spock was sure that he wouldn’t have to deal with it alone ever again.

As he stopped in front of his door Spock realized that he never had to deal with it alone in the first place. Jim and Bones had always been there, he just didn’t know how to express himself and that stopped him from reaching out to them. Not anymore, he promised himself, he would reach out to the ones that loved him if he felt down or dark. They would always be there, and they will never let him walk through the darkness alone again.

**Author's Note:**

> Thank you all very much for reading, I hope that you enjoyed this. I know that it is kinda opened ended; makes you wonder if there could ever be more. I don't know maybe...? Let me know what you are thinking in the comments down below, I love to hear from each and every one of you. I also have this lovely survey that I would love if you could fill out, just asking you what you would like to see next and what not. Don't feel obligated to do it or anything.
> 
> [Survey!](https://goo.gl/forms/MUBgTqU1NHxf4OTn1)


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